Why Are People Bad Friends?
August 29, 2010
Outside of romantic love, friendship is the most important aspect of a person's life. To men, friendship is as important as erotic love - which is why a wife's first goal is separating her husband from his lifelong friends. Yet we don't spend much time thinking about friendship. We think about what we want from people, but that's not thinking about friendship. That's thinking about strategy and manipulation.
Friendship is mentioned 198 times in Aristotle's Nicomachean Ethics, but people are more likely to quote from The Prince. If you want to understand why people are bad friends, Google this should-be-famous quotation: "For friendship is a partnership, and as a man is to himself, so is he to his friend." No one seems to be interested in that type of thinking. Now start Googling any of Machiavelli's quotes.
Mark Bennett, while noting a useful heuristic for friendship, asks the wrong question of friendship, namely: "Who are your friends?" He continues:
A true friend is one who, when he finds out you are in trouble, will drop what he is doing and do what he can to help. Want to know how many genuine friends you have? Get charged with a serious crime.Who tracks you down when you’ve disappeared into the maw of the criminal justice system? Who visits you in jail, just to talk? Who puts money in your inmate trust account? Who bails you out? Who picks you up in the middle of the night when you get out? Who returns your lawyer’s calls? Who drags you to rehab? Who gives you rides to and from court? Who keeps you company when you’re there?
The better question is: "To whom am I a friend?" It's a subtle shift in perspective, but it's an important shift to make. Here is Aristotle:
It is found difficult, too, to rejoice and to grieve in an intimate way with many people, for it may likely happen that one has at once to be happy with one friend and to mourn with another. Presumably, then,it is well not to seek to have as many friends as possible, but as many as are enough for the purpose of living together; for it would seem actually impossible to be a great friend to many people. This is why one cannot love several people; love is ideally a sort of excess of friendship, and that canonly be felt towards one person; therefore great friendship too can only be felt towards a few people.
To be a great friend puts the action where it should be - on ourselves. When's the last time you go out of bed at 3 in the morning to bail a friend out of jail? Loan a friend a grand? Or to jump start a car? Or to listen to someone bitch about stupid shit?
Friendship requires elevating the other person - your friends. When I have money, my friends have money. It's really that simple. Friendship is a sort of voluntary socialism. Of course there will always be the occasional mooch, but one can get an STD from having sex. Does this mean you stop having sex - or that you start being careful? So, too, it is with friends.
Who are you a friend to? If you wouldn't come pick me up at 3 a.m. when my car broke down, you're not my friend. Why waste time and energy pretending we're friends? We're not, and that's cool, and friendship is so great that you should devote your time to someone who is actually a friend.
Many things in life are best understood in Eastern sayings. He who doesn't worry about who his friends are, has the most rewarding friendships. He who worries about his friends is he who has no friends.
To our Western minds, this seems contradictory. Someone could "refute" the aphorisms by nothing that friendships must be nurtured like a garden. Such "refutations" miss the truth. The seeds of friendship must be planted in yourself.
When you start thinking about what you can do for other people, something contradictory happens: People start thinking about what they can do for you. There are varies theories explaining this. Perhaps we've been cultural conditioned to follow the reciprocity principle. Perhaps the wrongly-attacked Law of Attraction is true: Goodness attracts goodness, and so your good deeds are rewarded by good deeds.
We are not what we say or think, but are what we do. We become what we do. If we do good things for people, even if we begin as sons of bitches, we change. This change leads to the Sun Effect: We become the type of person others are draw to.
One need not prove the cause to note the effect. The person who is a friend to others has friends.
And so if it's true that, "True friends are few and far between," there is no mystery.
Friends are hard to find because you are not a friend.
1. The housing market continues to crumble. More sob stories about fucked boomers who can't sell. The real estate industry keeps pumping out happy bullshit. The republican and dems who defend the financial industry face angry crowds. The too big to fail bankers pass more laws to rig the system. A cash economy starts bypassing the banking system. This prompts tougher laws that turn average citizen into a criminal for not feeding the financial beast. The trust of the system that has marked the last century starts to wither. Anti-government extremism grows like crazy. This causes a corrosion of society unlike anything we've ever seen before.
2. The retail economy starts to crumble. Who needs a flat screen TV or new game system when you don't have job? Malls die even more than they are doing now. Large spaces of malls and big box stores are converted into government use buildings or demolished. Look for more flea markets in others. "Shop till you drop" seems as distant in time as "Remember the Maine."
3. The garage sale/Ebay economy takes off. Boomers sell off their stuff. Want a luxury car? A boat? A fancy furniture set? They can be yours if the price is right and you have a truck to haul it off. We have to much stuff. Who really needs anything new? Because this economy is off the books, so is enforcement. Disputes once settled in small claims court are settled with baseball bats. This actually is a plus for society. Scammers and petty criminals are killed off or have their bones broken. People aren't working to keep up with the Joneses anymore. A lot of the pressures of the granite counter/SUV culture are gone. As the boomers die off, their stupidity becomes even more apparent. They become a laughable footnote in history. Thanks for the music though!
4. Gas prices drop. Jobless people don't drive. People fearful for their jobs drive smaller cars. The SUV economy dies. It's used minivans now. People are forced live in denser areas. Fringes of the suburbs start to turn into weed-covered wastelands.
5. You have boomers who can't afford to move and Gen Yers who can't find jobs. They become roomies! You have kids living with their parents well into their 30s. Boomers forgets about those retirements to Tuscany. Fun times are had around the dinner table. Domestic violence between generations. Shut your pie-hole gramps or I'll beat you again with this HDMI cable!
6. Story after story of boomers dying due to lack of decent medical care. Can't afford your insulin or heart medicine? Tuff shit! Buh bye! Boomers who laughed at Obamacare are now all for massive government health care. Gen Xers and Yers join them. Too bad we spent the money for a public options on wars!
7. Wal-mart even takes a hit. They have to close stores in hard hit small towns, this kills small towns ever further. Whole parts of rural areas are abandoned like detroit.
8. Crime invades once rich suburbs. Crimes like drug dealing and meth production now become part of the lost middle class. Connor and Dakota are the new market for drug dealing thugs. Clueless boomer parents are suddenly dealing with drive bys and the rough end of all those "get tuff on crime" laws they voted for. Got meth in your house? It's not yours? Tuff shit! You're going to jail! Now you know what inner city blacks have been dealing with for years. Assume the position Milton!
9. The US military withers. Sorry folks! No tax money? No mean green war machine. Red states take it hardest. How's that "government off our backs" talk workin' for ya? Hypocrite republicans scramble to get their share of an ever shrinking amount of government pork.
10. The highway system starts breaking down in parts. Want to drive through the USA? You might have to go off road on to gravel roads. Some sections might become undrivable and cut off from the rest of the nation. I hope you have GPS and plenty of gas. Break down in the middle of nowhere? Meet the locals! Squeeeal like a pig!
11. Crumbling infrastructure kills large chunks of the retail economy further. Even grocery stores have trouble keep stock on the shelves. Want fresh milk? We're out! Go get your own cow. Local farms take up the slack. This actually creates jobs.
12. Colleges start to close because there is no one who believes a degree gets you anywhere anymore. Even the rich don't believe in colleges anymore. They hire private tutors. American learning goes backwards. Bluto from Animal House looks like a Rhodes scholar. At least he knew there was a Pearl Harbor and a World War II. Some kids can't even speak one language. They grunt and snarl like animals and watch TV thinking TV shows are real.
13. Cops and local groups of armed citizens go to war with each other. Interesting times in some HOA controlled neighborhoods become their own city states.
In the end, the United States degrades into several ungovernable sections. Civilization survives, but on a much more humble level. People rebuild, but the days of hyperconsumption and globalization are over.